Good
evening, ladies and
gentlemen.
First of all, may I
take the opportunity to thank the
Cricket Society for inviting the
cricket team to this function. I
believe it is good for cricket if
there is such interaction between
ourselves and cricketing folk
such as you.
Since Zimbabwe began
to enjoy a bit of success on the
field of play, I have been asked
to speak at all sorts of
functions. One of the stranger
requests was that I should
address a gathering of Alcoholics
Anonymous. This I did, just the
other night, and it gives me
great pleasure to see so many
familiar faces here this evening.
(Contributor's note: Alistair did
not specify whether he was
referring to the members of the
Cricket Society or of the
national team!) Actually, my
standing up to talk in place of
my father is, I feel, rather like
his having to take my number
three spot in the Zimbabwean
batting order against Waqar and
Wasim at Rawalpindi. The only
difference is, I suppose, that he
would go in full of confidence
because he thinks he can still
bat -- whereas I know I am no
after-dinner orator.
Most people were
very surprised when I was given
the job of leading the national
side -- no one more than myself,
in fact -- but when you come to
think of it I do belong to a
family of captains. The old man
seems to have captained all sorts
of teams in his day, mainly I
would guess just to stop him from
bending someone else's ear with
all his theories. Then there is
my brother Donald. He has very
little cricket talent, so the
only way one can put him in any
side is to make him a sort of
non-contributing leader of the
team! Both my sisters have
captained hockey teams -- mainly,
as far as I can see, by giggling
louder than any of the other
girls -- and of course my mother
is the undisputed captain of all
of us. So, contrary to what
people might have thought or
might still think, I do have some
pedigree.
With your
permission, I would now like to
use two quotations. The first of
these is from the pen of Bill
O'Reilly, the legendary
Australian Test bowler and also
famous cricket writer. He
said,
"In the end it is
only the camaraderie of the team,
the lifelong friendships which
you forge, and the opportunity
for interesting sorties outside
the grind of the cricket grounds
which make the experience
worthwhile."
The other is the
thought of Doug Insole of Essex
and England, who wrote, "A
Captain's role is that of PR
officer, agricultural consultant,
psychiatrist, accountant,
nursemaid and diplomat."
With these in mind,
and taking into account that
everyone here will have followed
the fortunes of our team on the
field of play pretty closely
through the media, I would like
to relate to you a few
off-the-field escapades which
illustrate perhaps that Mr
Insole's list is
incomplete.
The most obvious
addition I would immediately make
is LIFESAVER. However, it is
probably not widely known that in
the course of the same swimming
incident in Sri Lanka I failed
(almost fatally) as a
psychiatrist. After Henry Olonga
had been safely propelled
shorewards, I made the mistake of
relaxing and was immediately
swept out to sea again.
Thereupon, thoroughly exhausted,
I began to flounder. Heath
Streak, noticing this and being a
son of the soil used to solving
practical problems, immediately
hurled a beach volleyball in my
direction, reasoning that I could
use it as a buoy to keep me
afloat. Unfortunately, it was
intercepted by Andrew Whittall,
who was about halfway out in my
direction and is much too
intellectual to comprehend simple
plans. We then had a conversation
which went something like
this:
"Hang in there, Al
-- you can do it! Swim this
way."
"Pass me (gasp, splutter) the
ball."
"No time for games, Al; just swim
hard ..."
"Pass (glug) the bloody (glug)
ball ...!"
"Never mind the ball, Al; you can
do it ..." and so on.
Eventually a
lifesaver arrived to help me, but
it was no thanks to AW! Obviously
for future reference I am going
to have to learn how to
communicate effectively with
Cambridge graduates.
I
must also do a refresher course
in elementary mathematics in
order to be able to assist Guy
Whittall. Guy has no perception
of time and is always late for
everything. True to form, on this
occasion he boarded our plane,
ticket in hand, looking puzzled
and totally lost. He wandered on
past where we were all sitting
and finally reached the end of
the aisle where he was heard to
be berating the stewardess in
aggrieved tones because there was
no seat QF52 anywhere to be
found. He was in no mood to
listen to her explanation that
what he was looking at was the
Qantas flight number.
Cricketers are
widely renowned for their
superstition and in this instance
a wider knowledge of English
literature would have been a
help. If I had heard of Mrs
Malaprop I would have been better
able to understand Craig Evans'
confession that he always put his
left pad on ahead of his right
because he was
'suspicious'.
When Grant Flower
and Mark Dekker go out to open
the innings together, one always
say to the other, "I hope you get
hit on the head," to which the
stock reply is, "Same to
you."
Fairly naturally
this is exactly what happened to
Grant in Pakistan, where he was
'beaned' by Wasim Akram. Mark
Dekker found this quite hilarious
and collapsed on to his back,
where he lay like a dying dung
beetle, helpless with laughter. I
think it would be to our
advantage if I brushed up on my
witch-doctoring and came up with
some better incantations if we
are to be spared the sight of our
little batsman waking up in
mid-pitch with a cut on his face,
floundering around like a wounded
guinea fowl and asking the umpire
somewhat inanely, "Is that my one
for the over?"
We humans tend to
over-complicate everything we do
and the greatest captain of them
all had a very simple answer when
he was asked to explain what had
made him so successful. His reply
was, "I had a good team."
I
don't think any Zimbabwean
captain will be in a position to
apply Sir Donald Bradman's
principle in the immediate
future, but we are definitely
getting better all the time. For
this pleasing progress I would
like to thank very sincerely my
coach and mentor David Houghton,
and my predecessor and now
vice-captain Andy Flower, for all
the advice and support they have
given me in moulding what has
become a competitive unit.
With the permission
of the Chair, may I ask you all
to charge your glasses and drink
a toast to the Future of Cricket
in Zimbabwe.
