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A Beginner's Guide to Field Placings 
1. The bowler. I bowl the ball at the batsman. I am trying to get him out as
well as preventing him from scoring runs. I have to stick to various rules
including not straightening my arm during the delivery itself.
2. The wicket keeper. I catch the ball when the batsman doesn't hit it or when he gets a faint edge. I wear big gloves and pads too. I am usually an annoying little one, always chirping at the batsmen, the fielders and anyone else who cares to listen. 3. 1st slip. If the batsman edges it towards me, I will catch it, as I'm the best catcher in the team. 4. 2nd slip. I am. 5. Leg slip. They don't use me much any more. I was last used heavily when we absolutely hammered the Australians fair and square down under in 1932/33, so I'm getting on a bit. 6. Gully. I'm here for thick edges. I'm not quite as good a catcher as the slips, but I quite like it here, as I don't have to run around too much. Good job really, I had a skinful last night and don't feel that good. 7. Fine Leg. I am here for when the bowler bowls the ball down the leg side and the batsman gets a touch with his bat or a pad. Without me here, it would go for four. Like it did yesterday when I was busy signing an autograph. Kids. 8. Square Leg. I stand and chat with the square leg umpire about various subjects including the weather, the state of the game and that fit bird that was on Top of the Pops last night. 9. Mid Off. I intercept off-drives which can be hit very hard. It stings my hands sometimes. I bruise easily, you know. 10. Mid On. I don't do a lot really. I often polish the ball vigorously on my inner thigh and in order to get the bowler bowling with a bit more hostility I tell him the batsman has been enjoying sexual relations with his wife. 11. Cover. I like diving around and generally showing off, as I'm the fittest and most agile member of the team. I constantly remind everyone of this fact until they are pig sick and the captain sends me to stand on the boundary. 12. Point. When the bowler bowls the ball short and wide outside the off stump the batsman smacks it towards me like a rocket. I have to try and stop it. Not much fun, I can tell you. I'd rather be in the pub. 13. Deep Backward Square Leg. We sometimes try to bounce 'em out. If the batsmen hook the short ball I try to get under it and take the catch. I dropped a couple last week, causing the crowd to jeer at me and call me names. 14. Long On/Deep Mid On. When our spinner is having a bad day the batsmen often pounce down the pitch, smashing the ball into the air towards me and I 'm supposed to catch it. Very difficult when it sails over my head and flies straight into a hospitality box, landing in a smoked salmon quiche.
By Andy Clark,
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