Wednesday, September 11, 2002 The team that breaks records more regularly than Slim Dusty makes them can now add another to its collection: earliest victory (second week of September) in a home Ashes series. A fraction presumptuous, maybe, but nobody in Australia - man, woman or sunburnt British backpacker - will tell you any different after England yesterday announced their most conservatively defeatist Ashes squad in years.

First, let's dispense with a persistent myth: that the English, despite being jolly decent chaps, are painfully, palpably and perennially hopeless at cricket. It's plain untrue. They have a cornucopia of precocious talents in all departments. But the problem is that Australia will glimpse too few of them this summer.

Michael Vaughan and Marcus Trescothick, upon whom all English hopes rest, are coming. So too are Steve Harmison and Simon Jones, who are unlikely to see much action, and James Foster and Richard Dawson, who are unlikely to see any. The remainder - and we're talking here about Alex Tudor, Vikram Solanki, Ian Bell, Owais Shah, Mark Wallace, Matthew Prior and numerous others - will be left shivering by the fire back home or doing sit-ups with Rod Marsh in Adelaide. A golden opportunity to pick a team of thrusting young bucks, free of the psychological scars from past Ashes drubbings, has been blown. Indeed, this is England's first Ashes squad in 24 years not to contain a single uncapped player.

Of the absentees, Tudor is the most jaw-droppingly astounding. He is 24, lean, athletic, clever, charismatic, and swerves the ball away at high speed. On debut at Perth four years ago he took four wickets - including both Waughs - in 21 balls. He has played only eight Tests since, never more than two in a row. It is a hideous waste.

Of the invitees . well, where do you start? England have stuck with Darren Gough and Andy Caddick, even though both are in their thirties, both were murdered by the Aussies 12 months ago, and both have done diddly-squat since. Call them the walking corpses of this England squad.

They have brought back John Crawley, who has been picked - and subsequently picked off - in two previous Ashes series down under. The first time his reputation was trashed by Australia's bowlers; the second time his face was bashed by a Cairns local. Moreover he has still, as any county trundler worth his salt will tell you, not managed to plug that pesky technical hole outside off stump. Call him the walking wicket.

Finally they have resisted any kind of horses-for-courses logic by backing Ashley Giles, whose defensive leg-stump line will play into the hands of Mark Waugh and Damien Martyn on Australian wickets, and Alec Stewart. A top geezer, Stewie, but only half the player when carrying the double load of keeper-batsmen. And his record against Australia reads one century in 29 Tests. Call those two the walking nonentities.

England have selected worse squads than this, no question. Nasser Hussain is an inspiring commander and, despite occasional lapses, an astute tactician. Vaughan and Trescothick, should they manage to defuse McGrath and Co., can rightly be considered outstanding batsmen. Matthew Hoggard is a lively if unreliable opening bowler. As for Graham Thorpe, there is no questioning his aptitude, whatever his appetite. And England have surely done themselves a favour by leaving Craig White and Dominic Cork - with their combined harvest against Australia of 6 for 438 - on the shelf.

But this side has none of the flair, none of the imagination, none of that indefinable X-factor which distinguished previous England teams that triumphed in Australia. Only five have done so in the last 70 years. The first, England's 1932-33 Bodyline side, won by pursuing - depending on which side of the equator you sit - either a brilliant strategy aimed at taming Don Bradman or a brutal strategy aimed at maiming him. The last three - England's 1970-71, 1978-79 and 1986-87 teams - outpointed unusually callow Australian sides. For the purposes of this summer, all four of those celebrated moments in English folklore can be disregarded as historical anomalies.

That leaves Len Hutton's 1954-55 team as the only England squad in living memory to defeat, fairly and squarely, a strong Australian side in Australia. On that occasion England's leading runscorers were Colin Cowdrey and Peter May, their top wicket-takers Frank Tyson and Brian Statham. All four were under 25 years old. None of the four had toured Australia before. Forty-eight years later Harmison, Jones, Dawson, Foster and Andy Flintoff have much - too much, surely? - to live up to.

In truth, this summer's Ashes series was won not in the second week of September, but in the first, when Nasser Hussain starting grumbling very publicly about fatigue. Can you imagine an Australian batsman admitting he feels "tired and fed up"? Can you imagine an Australian captain conceding that "mentally we are absolutely gone"? But, then, can you imagine an Australian selector bringing back John Crawley?

Hussain says a rest "would be very enticing". Strewth. How's he going to feel come January?

Chris Ryan is a former managing editor of Wisden Cricket Monthly and a former Darwin correspondent of the Melbourne Age.

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