Bad starts in Test cricket are normally followed by at least some brief period of respite for the ill-starred batting side who have woken up on the wrong side of the bed. Not today in Sharjah. This was one of the most comprehensively, consistently woeful exhibitions of Test batting you are ever likely to see. Pakistan were wretched. Whatever nightmarish scenes may lie ahead for England when they kick off their attempt to win back the Ashes next month, they can console themselves that they surely are not capable of anything quite as awful as Pakistan's achievement of 59 all out.

Just imagine being Shoaib Akhtar for a second. He bowled Pakistan back into the first Test in Colombo, and claimed that he was ready to step up another gear in Sharjah. But he didn't want to be bowling just after lunch on the first day. Just after lunch on the second day, perhaps, but this was a joke.

As we have come to expect from Australia, they had their best-laid plans and, unlike those of most mice and men, they worked a treat. Andy Bichel was a bit expensive, actually, his six overs costing a pricy 13 runs. No-one else went for as much as two an over. All three seamers – Bichel, Glenn McGrath and Brett Lee – bowled predominantly to 8-1 off-side fields with no-one behind square on the leg side. They bowled mostly outside off stump and invited the Pakistan batsmen to have a go. It was a procession. McGrath and Lee did seam the odd ball on a pitch that had more life than you normally expect in these parts, but the technique for Test batsmen was horrible. If Abdul Razzaq, who top-scored, moved his feet once, I missed it.

Shane Warne was clever too, spinning only the odd legbreak sharply to keep the batsmen honest. Two of his four wickets – those of Faisal Iqbal and Waqar Younis - came from balls that looked like legbreaks but in fact turned only a fraction, leaving the batsmen playing down the wrong line. As he showed in Colombo, there is life in the old dog yet, and it looks as though he can smell the blood of an Englishman.

Pakistan fought back magnificently in Colombo - but, as many suspected, it looks as if they missed their chance. Coming back from this would be the biggest stomach-churner in this remarkable rollercoaster that is Pakistan cricket.

John Stern is deputy editor of Wisden Cricket Monthly.

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