Matthew Hayden the Australian opener, said of the heat in Sharjah: "If hell's any hotter … we don't want to go back there." It was a curious comment – from a Christian to boot – but it provoked a series of surreal thoughts. If you had to play cricket in hell, which diabolical players would form your opposition. So in a spirit of post-Halloween silliness, WCM selects a team whose wickedness has passed into legend. It is rather bowler-heavy but maybe bowlers have simply always been badder than batsmen. The team will be known as Haydos's Hades XI. We imagine their home ground to be infernally hot with balls regularly lost in the River Styx and that the ferryman charges exorbitant Lord's prices for a trip to the cricket. 1 WG Grace (1848-1915)
It would be a brave umpire in Hades to give the Doctor out. He would almost certainly replace the bails if bowled, though the punishments for such impropriety might be too unbearable to contemplate.

2 Douglas Jardine captain (1900-1958)
One of the first names on the Hades team-sheet and an automatic choice to captain what may be a difficult group of players. He would have to use his Bodyline bowlers in short spells, though, because of the heat.

3 Vinoo Mankad (1917-1978)
Brings balance to the side with his left-arm spin. Played 44 Tests for India and captained them in six. But his act of running out Bill Brown while he was backing up in 1947-48 has never been forgotten in Australia.

4 Hansie Cronje (1969-2002)
Useful to have around as he might know the result of any Hades match in advance. Vice-captain material. Might not get on with Jardine.

5 Vallance Jupp (1891-1960)
Allrounder and captain of Northamptonshire from 1927-1931 who played eight Tests for England between 1921 and 1928. Sentenced to nine months' imprisonment in 1935 for manslaughter after a motorcyclist was knocked off his bike and killed as Jupp tried to overtake.

6 Ted Pooley (1838-1907)
A great wicketkeeper for Surrey who missed the first ever Test at Melbourne because he was detained in New Zealand following a brawl over a gambling debt and had a criminal record for assault. Fathered eight illegitimate children and spent his last years, impoverished, in and out of the workhouse.

7 Arthur Coningham (1863-1939)
An Australian fast bowler whose only Test was at Melbourne in 1894-95 when he responded to being no-balled bowling to AE Stoddart, the England captain, by throwing the next ball at the batsman. In 1900 Coningham, revolver at his hip, conducted his own scandalous and unsuccessful divorce case in which an eminent priest was cited as the "other" man.

8 Sylvester Clarke (1954-1999)
A genial man off the field, the West Indian Clarke is regarded by many as the fastest bowler they faced. Makes the Hades XI on the strength of the incident at Multan, Pakistan, in 1980-81 when he was being pelted with fruit by spectators. He picked up a brick and hurled it at a spectator, a student leader who was taken to hospital, seriously injured.

9 Leslie Hylton (1905-1955)
Heavy-set West Indies quick bowler who took 13 MCC wickets during the 1934-35 series in the Caribbean. Was executed for the murder of his wife.

10 Bobby Peel (1857-1941)
One of the finest left-arm spinners for Yorkshire and England who took 101 wickets in 20 Tests. Wins his place in the Hades side for allegedly urinating on the pitch in 1897 in front of Lord Hawke while under the influence of alcohol.

11 Roy Gilchrist (1934-2001)
One of the meanest West Indian fast bowlers who, having taken 26 wickets at 16.11 in four Tests, was sent home from a tour of India in 1958-59 for bowling beamers and for a knife incident.

And, of course, the 12th man has to be "The Demon" himself, Fred Spofforth.

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