As the thing nearest to the heart of a Barmy Army member, after cricket, would seem to be beer, so I thought you would appreciate some information on the amber fluid down under.

As a refugee from the dark satanic mills, I am well placed to compare the Australian beverage with that in the UK.

It is often said that there is no such thing as a bad beer. People who say that have obviously not tried Flag from Morocco or Crocodile from Birkino Fasu. Virtually all Australian beer is better than either, but it is usually pretty lousy.

During the 1998 Ashes Test in the beautiful city of Adelaide, I was drinking with a couple of England supporters who were complaining about the poor beer. Even by the third test they hadn't worked out that Light (or Lite) beer in Australia is a low alcohol beer.. Most taste like water and have an alcohol strength of 2 to 2.5 per cent alcohol. Tooheys Blue at least tastes like a real beer, even if it is only 2.5% alcohol.

Most Australian beer is made by just two companies - Carlton and United (CUB) and Lion Nathan. Both produce lager style beers with very little flavour but 5.5% alcohol. At most test venues you can only get light and/or mid-strength, the latter often being brewed mainly for sporting events.

XXXX used to be brewed in Victoria but rising literacy levels meant that people started looking for BEER instead, so it is now brewed in Queensland. Fosters on tap in the UK is nothing like Fosters made in Australia.

There are a few breweries that make real ales. Coopers is the largest of these, located in the fair city of Adelaide. Coopers Pale is reminiscent of Worthington White Shield (if they still make White Shield). It is bottled with a little yeast and sugar to make the bubbles. You can decant the Ale carefully leaving the lees or you can pour it normally to produce the famous cloudy Adelaide Pale Ale. The big Adelaide brewery also makes a Pale which is superficially similar, but is only a pale imitation of the Coopers version. Bottled Pale is available widely, but is draught only in South Australia. Coopers also make a Sparkling Ale which is a bit like a Light Ale, a Dark Ale (Brown Ale) and a superb stout which I think is better than Guiness Draught, but not as good as Guiness Original.

Australian Beer is served very very cold. The further south you go (on the Mainland) the cold it is served. In Victoria it is served below zero Celsius in some Pubs. Beer is served in small glasses. Each glass has a different name, but they vary from state to state. If in doubt ask for a glass by its capacity. Although all glasses are sized in metric units, they are known by the number of fluid ounces in them. If you go into a pub anywhere in Australia and ask for a ten ounce, you will get a half pint. In order of Test Matches that size is a Pot (Qld), Schooner (SA), Middie (WA), Pot (Vic) and Middie (NSW). If you ask for a Schooner in NSW Qld or NT you will get a 15 ounce glass (3/4 pint), which called a Pint in SA and Tas and is virtually unheard of in Vic. The other common size is the 7oz which is a Glass in Qld, Vic. NSW, a Bobby in WA, a Butcher is SA, NT (although I have never seen anything that small in a NT pub) and a seven elsewhere. You can also buy beer by the Jug which, surprisingly is 114 centilitres everywhere. It is thought to be uncouth to drink straight from the jug (except in the Northern Territory).

Beer is about the only thing that is as dear here as in the UK. Good food is relatively inexpensive. Restaurants displaying BYO (Bring Your Own) are licenced to serve alcohol that you take with you. Fully licenced means you can only drink alcohol that they supply. If they are fully Licenced and BYO, they will charge Corkage on anything you take. Nearly all pubs serve a mixture of very cheap basic food and very good food at a reasonable price. Often a pub is the best place to get Fish and Chips. Of course our whiting is different from North Sea whiting and our mackerel is different from Atlantic mackerel, and other fish change their name from state to state. In SA Butterfish is great,but elsewhere it has a much less appetising name. And if anyone starts talking about scallions or shallots, they mean spring onions.

In Brisbane, check out the pubs in Fortitude Valley, in Adelaide take the tram to Glenelg, in Perth go to Northbridge, in Melbourne you just have too many choices, in Sydney you will find the prices quite a bit steeper than elsewhere, but Chinatown is good value. King's Cross has some cheap eateries and some very expensive ones, the former patronised by the prostitutes and the latter by their customers. Oxford Street is similar but the pros and customers are gay.

If you get the chance, call into a country pub on a Friday or Saturday night. Some of them are in a time warp and others are on another planet, but they are all much friendlier than in the cities.

© Barmy Army