England's famous cricket fans arrived in Brisbane for the first Test of this winter's Ashes campaign at the Gabba, today.

It was the usual first-match melting pot, with seasoned tour veterans meeting new recruits in the hot Queensland sun. Experience is not necessary, only a sense of being "up for it" is recommended.

It was also an opportunity for fans to size up the opposition: the Brisbane public.

The Army has a well-earned reputation for taking no prisoners, and the Gabba certainly looks happy hunting ground. The sophistication of Sydney is close to a thousand kilometres south of this northern Australia outpost, yet it feels more like a world away.

The competition between the two sets of fans could be dubbed "The Barmy Army v The Barnet Army" judging from the widespread preference for the traditional Aussie mullet; checked shirts and moustaches were other favourites and the potential for the usual good-humoured Barmy fun was unlimited.

The Barmy Army cannot be responsible for their team's performance on the pitch, but the blame for their uncharacteristic quietness can be heaped on the ACB.

In an attempt to clip the wings of the best travelling support in the world, the Aussie board refused to reserve grouped seating for the English, as is usual at a big match; the largest group that managed to congregate was only 10 strong. There were spare sections all around the ground, but the security staff refused to open them to allow a group to gather.

Instead, small groups were spread around the ground, with no coordination possible.

It is no coincidence that England looked flat in the field when there was none of the usual noise to spur them on.

As Matthew Hoggard said after England's famous win in Christchurch earlier this year, "Hearing the Barmy Army shouting your name really gives you a push, as a player. You realise just who you are playing for and you don't want to let the fans down."

Otherwise, enough said about the cricket. It was a dire day.

Encouragingly, though, the Barmy Army did manage a drinking coup.

Advertisements were placed in selected hostels around Brisbane, advertising for a bar—my maid.

The aim was to find a girl prepared to spend the day in a bikini, fetching drinks for parched England fans.

Plenty responded and the "12th Woman" was picked to display some pleasing leg glances.

Hopefully, the ACB will get its act together tomorrow and do the right thing for the fans who have travelled around the world to have a laugh and watch the cricket with their mates.

© Barmy Army