The second leg of England's winter on the road took the Barmy Army to New Zealand and was, as ever a tour to remember. Phil Long looks back through his highlights of a Test series that began in explosive fashion in Christchurch, finished in disappointment in Auckland and was rocked by the terrible news of Ben Hollioake's death during the second Test in Wellington.

A is for ANDRE ADAMS. Why the Kiwi selectors decided to `forget about Dre' after the one-dayers is mystery especially after he seemed to have the umpires in his pocket in the last Test. To be fair he was as surprised as us when the Kiwi slip cordon appealed for THAT Freddie caught behind but perhaps slightly less enraged when it was given out.

B is for BEN HOLLIOAKE. Rest In Peace Ben.

C is for COVERS. Come on, it was only Test match so that's why the covers at the Basin Reserve were at the WestpacTrust Stadium being used for the rugby when it lashed it down in Wellington. The Kiwi's were amazed when we all trooped up for the second day's play expecting it to start on time- they knew that it had only been covered by a tea-towel for the previous 24 hours. Still, it was nice sitting in the sun for six hours before play started.

D is for DRAW. After outplaying the Kiwis for the first two Tests and then having them 19-4 at Eden Park it's galling to think we only drew the series. OK, we didn't get the rub of the green with some truly shocking decisions and the boys were still getting over the terrible news about Ben Hollioake but if Tuffey, Drumm and Adams can run through us in a day then what hope have we got in the Ashes?

E is for ENGERLAND, ENGERLAND, ENGERLAND. Once again we outsang, outbantered and outnumbered the seven Kiwi's who bothered to turn up to support their team during the Test series. From the fans point of view the series was a fine warm-up for the ultra serious task of outwitting the Aussies and winning back the Ashes at long last.

F is for FREDDIE'S HOUSE. The shrine to all things Freddie Flintoff made it from India to New Zealand and had its followers bowing at the altar as Freddie went ballistic in Christchurch and then in Wellington. After surviving a direct hit from Nathan Astle's final six in Christchurch that crashed in through the front door it left a lot of followers questioning their faith after the shocking decision Freddie got in Auckland

G is for GRAHAM THORPE. What a series for Thorpey! Or was it? Dropped on four on his way to that superb 200 in Christchurch he then only managed 74 runs in the rest of the series and his failure to score the required runs meant we never really put the Black Caps under the pressure we should have done. Catch to get rid of Astle (of all people) at Eden Park was the best of the series though.

H is for the HORSE AND TRAP. It may have been in the `middle of nowhere' (Funk Soul Brummies, 2002) and impossible for Toby to get to from Eden Park without taking three taxis but it became the post-match watering hole for many of the Barmy Army. Highlight of the Test was probably the 200 pint giveaway on the Saturday night which saw all 200 beers ordered within 14 minutes of the 8 o'clock start. Good work one and all.

I is for IAN BUTLER. Surprisingly not labelled by the NZ press as being the quickest white man in world cricket, he helped us out by being ultra-expensive in that opening Test. Created history by being the first Kiwi to have his name chanted by the Barmy Army thanks to the runs he gave away and ended up, as all good butlers should, carrying the drinks in Auckland.

J is for JIMMY SAVILLE. Apparently this guy looked like the former host of Saturday teatime television classic Jim'll Fixit which at least one member of the Barmy Army admitted writing to. Altogether now: `Your letter was only the start of it….'

K is for KARACHI. The venerable `Karachi Veterans' were spotted at various points of the tour, probably yawning at how dull NZ was after cheering us on to a double in Karachi last winter. Roll on 2005-6 eh?

L is for LIGHTS. Standing in the pitch black at Auckland watching Test cricket under floodlights was one of the surreal moments of the tour. For us it was all of a bit of an odd experience but I doubt Usman Afzaal would have laughed too much if that ball had landed directly on his bonce.

M is for MAD CAPS. Did anyone see this hastily put together wannabe Kiwi Barmy Army, the self-proclaimed saviours of NZ cricket crowds, anywhere during the Test series? Come to think of it- did anyone care?

N is for NATHAN ASTLE. Far better judges than me have commented on his 222 at the Jade Stadium but if you were there, just admit it, for one, small, terrible moment you thought he might just win it for the Black Caps. His quickfire fifty in the dark in Auckland swung the third Test the way of the Kiwis. Mind you, he owed the Kiwi's after spilling the chance to catch Thorpey in clownlike fashion in Christchurch.

O is for ORMOND- the big fella jumped the sinking ship at Grace Road sometime around his only winter Test appearance in Mohali for the lure of big bucks at The Oval. Unfortunately he seemed to have eaten his way through most of his increased salary by the time he arrived in NZ for the Tests. The closest the new Jimmy Five Bellies came to test action in NZ was as drinks carrier in the last Test.

P is for the PINK PANTHER. Captured the imagination of the Kiwi press and Henry Blofeld who thought it was the funniest thing he'd seen since Spiggy Pinknottle donned a pair of ladies suspenders in the upper fourth form back at Eton in 1876. Along with his cohort SILVESTER THE CAT could be seen at every session of the series and also in the boozer (in costume) each night. The Kiwi tv producers surpassed themselves with slow motion replays of the PP lifting his head off to have a quick drink. Look out for him in Australia this winter

Q is for the QUEEN MOTHER. The Empire's favourite great grandmother passed away during the Auckland Test match and gave the Barmy Army further excuse to have a drink to mourn her passing. Wearing black arm bands, of course.

R is for RESPECT. Stephen Fleming (aka The World's Best Captain) demanded that we respected the Kiwis for their win over us in 1999 and proceeded to use precisely the same excuses as we comprehensively outplayed his side in the first two Tests. Showed scant respect for the Barmy Army at any point during the series and this was reciprocated at the end-of-series presentation.

S is for SCOREBOARD. There was only one at Christchurch (directly behind most of the English supporters massed in the DB Draught Stand) which was bad enough until we rocked up at the Basin Reserve and saw their sad excuse for a scoreboard. Letters fell off at regular intervals, it was always about an over behind the play and often bore no resemblance whatever to what was going on in the middle. By the way, who the hell were `CAPPICK' and `McMI77AN'?

T is for TEN O'CLOCK STARTS. With the series being held at the equivalent of October over here play rarely went until the official close. Well, until Fleming decided using the lights suited him and we played on until just before midnight. Anyway, early finishes meant longer down the pub, bigger hangovers and earlier starts. Memo to the ECB: `Never, ever, be tempted to start Tests over here at 10 o'clock or 10.08 or 10.23'.

U is for UMPIRING. Perhaps we did get the roughest decisions but the umpiring was terrible throughout the series- end of story.

V is for VETTORI. Ugly rumours circulated soon after the start of the first Test that the NZ off-spinner was in fact JK Rowling's bespectacled boy wizard Harry Potter in disguise. Of further concern was a plan to not only steal his glasses but also poke him in the eyes. You know who you are you nasty men.

W is for WORLD'S BEST. According to the Kiwi press the NZ team contained the `World's Best Skipper' (Fleming-honest), `World's Best Keeper'- (Adam `Fingers' Parore), `World's Best All-Rounder' (er, Nathan Astle) and the World's Best Potential All-Rounder (Andre `Dr. Dre' Adams). I suppose a 1-1 draw wasn't too bad then…

X is for `XXXXXXX XXXXX'. The reaction of most of the Barmy Army when Freddie's massive `nick' off Dre was replayed on the scoreboard at Eden Park. It really was a XXXXXXX XXXX decision- even Peter Willey would have blushed at giving it.

Y is for YOUNG PRETENDER. OK, so he only carried the drinks in Wellington and Auckland and he only looks about twelve but in ten years time you may be able to bore people by telling them that you were there when Ian Bell donned an England shirt for the first time.

Z is for ZINZAN the middle name of follicularly challenged Black Cap all-rounder Chris Harris. Not particularly interesting but true. And it begins with Z.

Roll on The Ashes……..

© England's Barmy Army