Wednesday, March 6, 2002 New Zealand is an amazing place. It is home to just 3.8 million people, but also the best rugby team in the world. It has mountains, lakes, fjords and volcanoes, often in the same vista. Its population stoically brushes aside gags about sheep, eats "frish fush" during the day and occasionally has "six" at night. And, most amazingly of all, the average New Zealander has grown up in the belief that the English cricket team aren't - repeat, aren't - a running joke. Among other Test nations, only the Bangladeshis are similarly deluded, and that's because Dhaka hasn't had the pleasure of hosting us yet.

The fact is that England have never been humiliated over the course of a whole series in New Zealand as they have in most other countries (this includes Zimbabwe, where we flippin' well didn't murder `em five years ago). Granted, there was a game at Christchurch in 1983-84 when England were skittled for 82 and 93, and there was that time in 1977-78 when they were Hadleed for 64 at Wellington. But the three lions have never been repeatedly savaged by the lonesome kiwi. English cricket has always been respected here, which derives partly from a "national inferiority complex" (as Ron Palenski put it recently in Wellington's Dominion newspaper), but mainly from their record of 15 wins and two defeats in 38 Tests in New Zealand.

Now, suddenly, people aren't so sure any more. "Why d'ya go and send Gough home?" asks one baffled cabbie after another.

"Ormond? Who's he?" wonders the owner of the local internet café.

"You guys were rooted!" screams a Wellington drunk in the aftermath of 89 all out. Hell, even Otago - the Derbyshire of New Zealand's domestic scene - gave us a fright the other day. From head held high to lying low, this England team are in danger of ruining over 70 years' good work. In a royalist city like Christchurch, it's as if the Queen has just stuck two fingers up at the Governor-General.

Which just makes you wonder. Could this really be the worst side to visit these shores? The first tour, in 1929-30, hardly counts, because England were in patronising colonial mode and sent out a 2nd XI (and still won 1-0, at the same time as another England side was drawing 1-1 in West Indies). Jardine's Bodyliners came next, fresh from bullying Bradman and co., and there followed a string of star-studded squads capable of putting even the kiwi to flight: Hammond, Compton, Edrich and Bedser in 1946-47; Hutton, Washbrook and Evans in 1950-51; Tyson, May and Statham in 1954-55; Dexter, Cowdrey and Lock in 1958-59; Barrington, Trueman and Graveney in 1962-63.

It wasn't until 1965-66, when Boycott and John Edrich were nippers and only Cowdrey could really be called world-class, that standards slipped and England failed to win in New Zealand for the first time in 19 years (then again, they didn't lose either). In 1970-71 there was Cowdrey, Knott and Underwood. In 1974-75, Amiss, Greig and Underwood again. It was only in 1977-78, 48 years after they first met, that New Zealand actually won a Test against England, who could still boast Boycott, Botham, Edmonds and Willis.

New Zealand won a series in 1983-84, but it was hard not to respect a batting line-up that included Gower, Gatting, Lamb and Botham. Even the less-than-star-studded 1987-88 tourists - who come closest to rivalling the current squad - had Broad, Robinson, Gatting, Dilley and Emburey. In the 1990s it was business as usual, as England twice won 2-0 - in 1991-92 with the help of Gooch, Lamb, Smith and Tufnell at his peak; and in 1996-97 with Atherton, Stewart, Gough and Caddick, before the Kiwi crowd started to sledge him about his ancestry and his ears.

The fact is that this England side contains no players of genuine world-class. Gough was close, but every taxi driver and his log knows what's happened to him. Graham Thorpe is very good, and Caddick can be, but he's still a long way behind Glenn McGrath. Most of the others are talented, but they're either unproven (Hoggard, Flintoff), still on the way up (Trescothick, Vaughan), unfulfilled (Butcher, Ramprakash), or simply solid (Hussain, Giles). You probably won't find Chris Cairns in 30 years' time recalling them with the hushed reverence that the 1954-55 New Zealanders used the other night on local TV when they remembered being bowled out for 26 by Statham, Tyson, Bailey, Wardle and Appleyard.

Nasser's men have got plenty of time to prove this young fogey wrong, of course. But somehow the thought of a generation of Aucklanders waxing lyrical about Usman Afzaal's 158 not out at Eden Park in March 2002 doesn't quite work.

Lawrence Booth is assistant editor of Wisden.com.

More English Angle
Why Gough must stay

Communication kings

© Wisden CricInfo Ltd