I had one of these terribly clever marketing people on the 'phone just moments ago. "Would you write an introduction to the Barmy Army's new web site? It's on CricInfo now. Jolly good for all of us. You know the sort of thing we want. Be a good chap and get on with it, will you?"

Well, the answer is a categorical "No I won't!"

The reason? Quite simple really. All these Barmy Army types are leaping on 'planes and going to New Zealand to watch England play cricket.

And I'm not.

I love New Zealand and I love watching England play cricket. And the thought of these regiments going to places like Auckland, Dunedin, and Wellington… well, it's just too much.

And then there's Christchurch too. Marvellous place. My spiritual home, really. I can just imagine everyone in the Jade Stadium cheering on the boys, sinking the odd CD or Speight's, joshing with those oh so friendly locals, before going into town to the Loaded Hog, the Holy Grail or Sammy's Jazz Bar to carouse the night away.

No, sorry marketing person, but if you think I'm going to sit in cold, wet, grey, damp, dismal England while these people are off enjoying themselves and say nice things about the Barmy Army, well think again.

I am positively not going to welcome them to the Barmy Army web site. I'm not going to say how much better it is going to be for them to be hosted by CricInfo – the home of cricket on the internet – rather than that rival lot.

What were they called? Rivals.net? Well that's almost what I said.

And I refuse to tell them anything about the forum where they post messages and keep in touch with other members. And as for the idea of mentioning the new Barmy Army online shop where they can by all their merchandise – T-shirts and the rest – well, forget it!

Unless I can go with them, that is.

What do you mean, I have told them all about the Barmy Army's new home on CricInfo? Damn! I suppose that's why these marketing people are so clever.

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