Tuesday, October 30, 2001 Cricket thrives on acts of cataclysmic, series-swinging symbolism, like the moment the other day when Daniel Vettori's boot sprigs tangled with the turf of Canberra's Manuka Oval and a stabbing pain pierced his right ankle. Had it happened to Shane Warne, Australia would have had a choice of Colin Miller or Stuart MacGill as their spin option for next week's first Test. New Zealand must toss up between Paul Wiseman and Glen Sulzberger - not a cigar-chomping, cap-wearing Hollywood director, as his name suggests, but a struggling B-grade offie from the backblocks of the Shell Trophy.

Rarely can the gulf between two long-established Test nations on the eve of a series have been so momentous. If Steve Waugh thought his side was running out of records to shatter, he can think again. Winning all three Tests by an innings is a distinct possibility. Wrapping up the series within nine days, with not a single Test stretching to a fourth morning, is on the cards. For this is not merely a particularly ordinary New Zealand line-up: it is arguably the worst Test side to visit Australia in more than 50 years.

The last team to begin an Australian tour so poorly was ... the last New Zealand team to visit Australia. The 1997-98 Kiwis lost both warm-up games by an innings but at least they had a serviceable attack. At least they were thrashed by first-class opponents. Stephen Fleming's 2001-02 side have been run ragged by the Queensland Academy of Sport, twice, and by the minnows of the Australian Capital Territory, who were themselves toppled a week earlier by the megaminnows of the Northern Territory. In nine days the New Zealanders have taken 21 wickets at 63 runs apiece, with barely a first-class batsman in sight. "Look at the personnel on both teams," Jeff Thomson commented, "how can they possibly beat us?"

Thommo, for once, was being restrained. Let's consider that personnel. Australia could pick their two best XIs and the only New Zealander to figure in either would be Chris Cairns. None of the Kiwi batsmen - Richardson, Bell, Sinclair, Fleming, Astle, McMillan - would make Western Australia's top six. None of their specialist bowlers - Nash, Tuffey, O'Connor, Martin, Wiseman, Sulzberger - would get a trundle for Queensland. Not one of the squad has played in a winning Test side against Australia. Cairns, average 34, has the best batting record against the Aussies; O'Connor is the only bowler to have taken a five-for. The battle for the Trans-Tasman Trophy is looking like a race between a kangaroo and a sheep.

To find a past touring side so inept you have to trawl past last summer's woeful West Indians, past Graham Gooch's 1990-91 easybeats. The first Sri Lankan Test side to Australia in 1987-88 had a comparably mediocre attack - Ratnayeke, Labrooy, Ramanayake, Amalean - but Ranatunga, de Silva and Mahanama gave their batting a lustre the Kiwis lack. The 1975-76 West Indians were humiliated 5-1 but still boasted Richards, Lloyd, Holding, Roberts, Gibbs … the 1967-68 Indians, whitewashed 4-0, had Prasanna, Bedi, Chandrasekhar.

No, Fleming's men are arguably the worst team to reach Australia since Lala Amarnath's 1947-48 Indian side, who were bowled out for 58 and 98 in the first Test and never looked up. Next Thursday the same attack that was caned by Carseldine and carted by Cassell of the Queensland academy meets the toughest top six in the business. Steve Waugh is returning from injury, which makes him a sure thing to rattle up 150 not out, while Hayden, Langer, Ponting, Mark Waugh and Martyn are all averaging between 74 and 105 this summer. Of the bowlers, only Glenn McGrath has yet to get among the wickets - which is like taking comfort from the fact that Mt Vesuvius has been a bit quiet lately.

The cancellation of New Zealand's Pakistan tour robbed them of quality match practice. The schedule does them no favours either. Australia last lost at the Gabba, scene of the first Test, 13 years ago. They have never lost at Hobart and only once in the last 20 years have they been beaten at Perth by anyone other than West Indies.

The team which inflicted that rare WACA defeat was New Zealand's glory side of 1985-86: Hadlee, Crowe, Coney, Wright, Reid, Chatfield, Bracewell. Why did they never build on those foundations and become a major world force? Why is Cairns the only genuinely world-class player they have produced since?

Perhaps Australia, as the local schoolyard bully, could have done more to help: invited them to join the Sheffield Shield, rewarded them with a five-Test series, sent Rod Marsh over to patch up their leaks. Too late now. The kindest thing Australia can do to the Kiwis is slaughter them - ruthlessly, horribly, agonisingly. From the blackest darkness, the first shafts of light sometimes appear.

Chris Ryan is managing editor of Wisden Cricket Monthly and a former Darwin correspondent of the Melbourne Age.

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