(In which two cricket fans dissect the cricket world from their Dunedin sofa)

"Did you watch that second one-dayer, mate?"

"Mate, I was in Central Otago. I had only radio. But at least that meant I got to hear how Otago were doing against Canterbury. I tell you, there is nothing finer than listening to Radio Sport crossing to Peter Sharp when Canterbury are having their lungs ripped out."

"Nothing finer, you're right there, mate. Pumper Hore and Gaffaney tore them apart on Saturday afternoon. Remember, we told everyone about these two months ago."

"Absolutely, mate. Sir Richard actually rang me up back then. 'Sofa' he said to me "who are these guys? Are you making them up?'. I tell you mate, he who laughs last laughs longest."

"Mate, the only reason Hore isn't in the Black Caps is because Hadlee hasn't got to the H's yet."

"But Peter Sharp, mate, there's an interesting one. Born in Southland and fine-tuned in Dunedin - as perfect an upbringing as a man can have, look no further than Jeff Wilson - and then inexplicably he pops an eye and decides he'll be a Cantabrian!

There's no logic there at all. You'd have to say when The Great Electrician In The Sky went into Pete's head, he soldered the wires up very very badly."

"But give the man credit, he's consistent. You always know where you are when they cross to Peter Sharp. When he says 'Central Districts played wonderfully well here at Jade Stadium today' you know exactly what has happened."

"Canterbury have won by eight wickets with a day to spare."

"Precisely. And 'we have had a fantastic finish to a fantastic game of cricket here at Jade Stadium today' means only one thing."

"Canterbury have won by a hundred and twelve."

"And the best one of all - 'the rain is closing in over the Port Hills and I'm afraid to say the cricket hasn't been any better here at Jade Stadium today.' "

"Canterbury have lost by an innings and two million."

"But back to the one-dayer, mate. How did Twose ..."

"The number two one-day player in the world."

"…the number two one-day player in the world, and McMillan crash into each other? I've walked that Wellington Stadium a number of times, it's a f…… huge place. I would say the chances of two guys actually running smack dab into each others' faces in an area that big are about one in ten thousand."

"Mate, I'm with you on this one. Now, let's not suggest for a second the game was fixed, but those mobile phone printouts of Twose and McMillan have to be checked. I'm not pointing any fingers, but I don't want to see the name Gupta in there."

"Me neither, mate. We need Twose in that side, we're rudderless without him."

"You going to watch Australia in their one-day finals?"

"Mate, I'd rather watch the weather channel. Australia go on and on about how they're beating everyone, but all they're beating is a Zimbabwe side, who have three batsmen and one bowler, and a West Indian side that wouldn't win the Dunedin club championship. Call me old-fashioned, mate, but I'm wondering why they don't play South Africa and Pakistan. Now THAT would be an International Tri-Series."

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