RETURN OF THE BARMY ARMY CLAIRVOYANT - Mystic Mug's predictions for 2004

By Dr Hannibal Lecter, 31 Dec 2003 03:12:04 GMT

Those reading the predictions of my great aunt at the turn of last year may have noted that they turned out to be as accurate as a Jimmy Anderson opening over. It is with great reluctance, therefore, that I have given her a second chance.

However, Mystic Mug assures me that her psychic powers have improved and she is, unlike Prince Harry, off the Stella. Only last week, she assures me, she was proved to be amazingly accurate: She told a client he would never have children and, at that very moment, the crystal ball fell off it's plinth, rolled across the table and landed between his legs with a sickening crunch.

So here, by popular demand (????) is the year ahead in the Cricket World. I do not in any way endorse what follows:

January

Dr Hannibal Lecter makes a new Years resolution not to offend anyone on the message board. It lasts until January 3rd.

Steve Waugh's career ends in a shock defeat as Tendulkar comes good with a century at Sydney and Australia are bowled out on the last morning. Waugh makes a duck and admits he should have retired years ago. He explains the reason for the defeat: "It was the last match of the series and we forgot it wasn't a dead rubber."

Coach John Buchanan sends a letter to the players, which accidentally gets posted to the Sydney Morning Herald. It reads: "You are like children to me: You delight me, you thrill me, you frustrate me, and for this I'm going to stop your pocket money for a week."

Ricky Ponting is appointed as the new captain. He gets beaten up by a transvestite outside the press conference.

Meanwhile, an Australian condom manufacturer reveals that sales have fallen dramatically since the Rugby World Cup, when it was discovered that it only takes one Johnny to shaft 15 Aussies. They decide to get some cricketers on board for an advertising campaign, but the idea falls flat when the only people available turn out to be Michael Slater and Adam Gilchrist.

The Sri Lankan tourist board release a CD entitled "Sounds of Lanka". Side A consists entirely of a one-hour rendition of the Galle ice cream man jingle.

South Africa can only draw the third Test against the West Indies after a 10th wicket stand of 76 between Murray and Edwards saves the follow on. 72 of them are byes conceded by Mark Boucher.

The WICB announces some exciting plans to be funded by the levy on England fans. "We plan to put a Cricketer in space, who will learn to bat and bowl in weightless conditions.This will revolutionise the game." Says Darren Millien. "It's a small price to pay for an Englishman, and a giant leap forward for Cricket." Harvey Brant sends a complaint letter.

Bangladesh appoint Habibul Bashar as their new captain. "We thought having a Test class player as captain was an idea whose time had come." Says coach Dav Whatmore.

Kumar Sangakkara is cleared of match fixing allagations following the discovery of a large quantity of cash in his Kandy hotel room in December. It turns out Leafy had been in there too. The presence of a broken plastic chair and a foot bandage was the clinching evidence.

The fourth Test between South Africa and the West Indies is drawn after Boucher drops 8 catches.

The United States military buys a copy of the Galle ice cream man CD to use in interrogating Saddam Hussein.

February

Pakistan finally get to host India for a Test series. All is going well until the opening day of the first Test. Sehwag hits a huge six into the crowd, which is caught by Osama Bin Laden. He hurls the ball back and everybody flees, thinking it is a grenade. India catch the first plane home.

Zimbabwe play host to Bangladesh, who draw the series with their first ever Test victory. Coach Dav Whatmore is delighted and says this shows he should get the Australia job as John Buchanan has clearly lost it.

Buchanan replies with a letter quoting Sun Tzu stating that never in the history of ancient Manchuria had anyone made a public statement like that and won without sufficient elephants.

Australia arrive in Sri Lanka and find the Galle ice cream man CD being played before every session of play. "Strewth," says Ricky Ponting. "And I thought we were good at inflicting mental disintegration!" Sri Lanka win 2-0, with Murali chucking his way to 23 wickets. Buchanan quotes Sun Tzu who in a little known quote said "He f&!%&$g throws it!"

Meanwhile, despite condemnation by the UN for breaking anti-torture guidelines, the Galle ice cream CD does the trick and Saddam tells American interrogators all about his WMD plans. All over the world the headlines are the same, well, nearly: "Saddam Speaks" screams the Washington Post. "Former Dictator reveals WMD plans" announces The Guardian. "Kandyan Man steals tin of paint." says the Kandy times.

The Sri Lankan tourist board re-markets the CD as "The tune that broke Saddam." It promptly tops the charts all over the world.

South Africa arrive in New Zealand for a three-Test series. There is a crisis at the team hotel when the butter runs out. Boucher saves the day by rubbing his fingers all over the toast. New Zealand win after Boucher drops 6 catches and concedes 38 byes.

Steve Waugh starts a new job advertising zimmer frames.

The WICB release a press statement with a further justification for the ticket levy. "The cost of temporary stands is huge", it says. "Lego just isn't cheap these days." Harvey Brant sends a further letter of complaint and receives a fob off reply, along with a bill for the cost of the airmail stamp.

As expected, England call off the Zimbabwe tour. Tim Lamb says he hopes a line can be drawn under the matter and there will be no more controversies. Vodafone chairman Lord McClaurin then removes Lamb's genitalia from a vice.

March

South Africa have a new crisis as their hotel runs out of soap. However Boucher lends everyone his gloves and all is well. New Zealand win the second Test in dramatic style after Pollock runs out Ntini with 2 to win.

Ryan "The hair" Sidebottom, released by Yorkshire at the end of 2003, fails in his last minute bid to find a county and starts a new career as a nest in an eagle sanctuary.

England arrive in Trinidad and receive a bill just for entering the country, although only for the white players. At the Test match the WICB-backed Trini posse arrive by complimentary stretch limo. The "European" areas (signposted in Afrikaans) are mainly deserted, while the beach is heaving. The match is drawn after it rains on the last day. The WICB offer umbrellas for sale at 250 U.S. dollars each.

Meanwhile, back in England Harvey Brant is kneecapped one night on his way home. The WICB claim responsibility, stating that this is "In keeping with standard commercial practice for this sort of business."

South Africa win the final Test in New Zealand after dropping Boucher.

The United States military reveals what Saddam told them about his WMD programme: Composers were working on a tune very similar to the Galle ice cream jingle...

Shane Warnes' drugs ban ends and he flies to England to resume his career as Hampshire's overseas player. He is stopped by police at Heathrow who sieze his mobile phone and force him to sign the Text offenders register.

England win the second Test in front of empty "whites only" stands. Most of those England fans who get in buy their tickets off touts for less than the Levy price. WICB officials appear on the streets with baseball bats and tell the touts "Go away, this is our patch." Graham Thorpe is man of the match after a brilliant century.

April

The arrival of Sri Lanka in Zimbabwe is overshadowed as Robert Mugabe announces the final piece of his land redistribution plan: He is to take personal ownership of Heath Streak's game reserve. Streak goes into hiding while Mugabe arrives with a load of "war veterans", some as old as 16. He goes for a walk across the reserve on his own and suddenly disappears.

Fearing an assasination, Zanu PF issues a statement accusing the British government of sending someone to assasinate him. Dr Hannibal Lecter is accused of being responsible. "Uurgh!" He responds. "He's 79. He'd be far too tough and chewy."

The following day Mugabe's body is found. He had been gored to death by a rhino. Zanu PF promptly chuck in the towel and enter talks to form a government of national unity with the MDC. All anti-media laws are suspended. Heath Streak comes out of hiding to lead his team in the first Test. He uses his new freedom of speech at the pre-Test press conference to claim "I feel justified in my publicly stated views after recent events."

"You mean that it proves you weren't a Mugabe appeaser?" asks a journalist.

"No," replies Streak. "That politics and big game don't mix."

Zimbabwean joy does not extend any further as Muralitharan wins both matches for the Lankans. The new unity government issues a statement saying "We wish to unite all Zimbabweans behind the principles of freedom, democracy, and the right to say that Murali is a bloody chucker!"

Back in the Windies, the England areas for both the Barbados and Antigua Tests are half-empty. The levy has totally backfired. WICB officials are seen begging in the street with placards saying "Homeless and hungry, please help."

Thorpe scores another hundred in each Test, with Barbados being drawn and Antigua being won after the fit-again Simon Jones bowls Lara twice for a pair. Nasser Hussain breaks a finger and announces he won't tour again. Graham Thorpe is named man of the series and celebrates when he gets home by punching his ex-wife's boyfriend.

Bangladesh get back to losing ways as India win both Tests there. Captain Habibul Bashar proves that captaincy is not affecting his batting by getting out as soon as he has made 50 in all four innings, just as usual.

Mike Gatting and David Gower attempt to follow in Phil Tufnells' footsteps by appearing on "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here." Gower is thrown off after he refuses the invertebrate eating challenge, saying he daren't do any more stunts with tiger moths. Gatting is chucked off after he eats the entire fortnight's food supply in one sitting.

The County Championship starts with Nasser Hussain sitting in the stand watching Essex with his broken finger. He accidentally traps his other hand in the door and breaks another finger.

May

The Bangladesh tour of the West Indies is called off because the WICB cannot afford to pay the hotel bills for the teams.

The entire Spanish Royal family is assasinated by an Eta bomb. With no obvious heredatory successor, Ashley Giles gets the job.

Australia prepare to go to the newly liberated Zimbabwe while the ECB organise talks to revive the England tour. Lord McClaurin says Vodafone are still opposed to the tour. "You can't get a signal in Harare." He explains.

Australia win both Tests while John Buchanan says some strange things about Manchurian war veterans. Meanwhile, not for the first time on a recent tour, the Aussies' kit goes missing. The mystery is resolved when Glenn McGrath is caught red-handed trying to flog it behind the pavilion.

The ECB announce that the Zimbabwe tour is back on. "We look forward to a year without any boycott calls from the likes of Peter Tatchell," says David Morgan. "After all, there's hardly going to be a problem when New Zealand arrive next week, is there?"

The WICB revive the Bangladesh tour after funds become suddenly available. A couple of rich English tourists who forked out for the expensive tickets are found drowned in concrete boots with their wallets and cards missing. The Windies win both Tests in front of tiny crowds.

On the eve of New Zealand's arrival, Peter Tatchell, who hadn't been in the papers for weeks, launches a stop the tour campaign. "These guys are guilty of cruelty to animals," he says. "Haven't you heard what they do to sheep? They're sending a side over here to convey the false message that everything is normal on their farms. We must stop them." The Kiwis are greeted at Heathrow by an angry mob wearing woolly jumpers.

Before the first Test, stop the tour protesters arrive outside Lords wearing butchers' uniforms. Captain Stephen Fleming is forced to publicly deny ever having sex with a sheep, while internet rumours circulate about an amateur video starring Chris Cairns entitled "Flock bang." Predictably, the distracted Kiwis lose the first Test by an innings. Seven England fans are seen outside the ground carrying inflatable sheep dressed in England gear, singing "Flossie is a pommie"

Scotland end the month as suprise leaders of the National League.

June

The Galle ice cream CD goes platinum.

At the Headingley Test, Saturday is a fancy dress day, which turns to anarchy when hundreds of protesters turn up dressed as sheep on the Western terrace. This being Yorkshire, horrific scenes of depravity follow. One Elvis lookalike is so overcome that he emulates his hero by dying of a heart attack while hiding in the toilets. Nasser Hussain is caught up in it all and suffers a broken nose. A shattered New Zealand lose again. More allegations surface that Daniel Vettori owns 10 pairs of wellingtons and 6 pairs of velcro padded gloves.

Shane Warne flies back to Australia to play against Sri Lanka. Before he leaves he confesses to having a threesome with Vettori and a ewe named bess. He said he regretted it deeply afterwards, because "Bess can't read text messages."

Australia win the Tests at Cairns and Darwin with Warne outbowling, or rather outchucking Murali. Justin Langer and Brett Lee congratulate the crowd for shouting "No ball" at Murali and adopting the Barmy Army song "Throw throw throw the ball, gently down the seam..."

Meanwhile, Kumar Sangakkara is discovered to have a hotel room full of lizards. He claims Steve Irwin had also stayed in the room but the tour management still reprimand him for bringing all his friends on tour without permission.

Back in England, the stop the tour campaign stalls when Peter Tatchell mysteriously disappears two days before the Trent Bridge Test. Dr Hannibal Lecter throws up when it is suggested he has eaten him.

The Trent Bridge Test is played out in a calm, sheep-free atmosphere and meanders to a draw on a flat pitch. Graham Thorpe scores a century and celebrates by going out on the town, getting laid and then driving home to Surrey and punching his ex-wife's boyfriend.

The body of Peter Tatchell is found floating in Michael Barrymore's swimming pool.

The West Indies arrive for their tour, having flown economy class. The triangular one-day series sees a late fixture change, after the success of Scotland in the National League prompts the ECB to stage a ODI there. As the ground in Edinburgh is booked for the East Lothian Haggis breeding competition, Wick is chosen as the ideal location for a day-nighter on June 21st. The game ends in broad daylight at 10.15 pm. The ECB get their own back by sending the WICB a bill for the unused temporary floodlights.

The Twenty-20 competition is retained by Surrey, while the main extra entertainment is provided by Phil Tufnell and his "20-20" attempt to smoke 40 fags during the course of a game. He manages 44.

July

England win the Natwest trophy after the West Indians scratch the final due to having their kit stolen. They couldn't afford any spare gear. The police investigation draws a blank after Glenn McGrath provides an alibi.

The West Indies win the first Test at Edgbaston, as usual. The FSB's manage to get Somerset Ziggy so inebriated he staggers across Birmingham in a daze, wanders into Bournville, through the factory gates, falls over and finally appears at the end of the production line coated in chocolate.

Katy meets Hugh Bear at Edgbaston and the pair have an argument over download times on the message board. It ends in a duel and both are hospitalised along with Ziggy and Nasser Hussain, who marks his return to the England side by breaking his left arm.

In Australia, the Perth fire brigade dramatically rescue Adam Gilchrist, who is trapped inside his washing machine. A short sighted plumber had mistaken him for a wing-nut.

August

England bounce back to level the series at Lords, with Jimmy Anderson taking his first Test ten-for. He celebrates with a white streak in his hair and is then set upon by a lovesick skunk while visiting London zoo.

At the start of the football season Chelsea announce that Alec Stewart is joining the board. He promptly gives Abramovic a dressing down for being so scruffy.

The London Central fracture clinic allocates Nasser Hussain his own parking space. He breaks a toe when he traps his foot in the front door.

England take the lead at Old Trafford after Brian Lara's attempt to play a match-winning innings is ended when his mobile phone goes off just as Collingwood is bowling to him. Colly is delighted at taking his only wicket of the series and promptly gets awarded a winter tour contract. Meanwhile, WICB officials are seen outside the ground on Brian Statham Way shouting "Anyone need tickets?" and flogging their complimentaries. They make enough to get a meal each for the first time in a week.

WICB secretary Darren Millien promptly goes missing in the Rusholme area of Manchester. Dr Hannibal Lecter enjoys his balti there...

The body of Millien is never found. Say no more.

South Africa arrive in Sri Lanka for their tour and find a ODI rearranged to be played in Jaffna. The success of the Galle ice cream CD has unified the whole island and the tune has been adapted to become a peace song to celebrate a new political settlement. The LTTE adopt a new motto: "Make ice cream not war." Mark Boucher makes buttercream of his return to the side, and Sri Lanka win the series 2-1. Murali takes his 550th Test wicket but hints at retirement. "My physio says I don't have a strong throwing arm...oops."

Nasser Hussain announces his international retirement, and watches from a bath chair as England win the Oval Test by 10 wickets. Trescothick, who has hardly scored a run all summer, scores 200 again and Anderson takes another five-for. He celebrates by adding a yellow streak to his hair. The WICB notice the views across the ground enjoyed by people living in tenements on the Harleyford road and decide to build some overlooking their own grounds before the 2007 World Cup. Naturally a stay there will cost 10 grand per head (whites only.)

Jimmy Anderson takes a break in his native Lancashire and visits Ainsdale sands, where 200 rare yellow-striped Natterjack toads start following him after mistaking him for their mother.

September

Lancashire win the county Championship outright for the first time since 1934 after beating Hampshire in three days at Old Trafford, and Red Rose Jacqui is so happy she streaks across the ground. Lancashire promptly adopt her bottom as the new club mascot.

With a day spare, the Hampshire players spend the Saturday at the other Old Trafford watching the football. After the game they go down to the dressing rooms and Shane Warne gets to meet Rio Ferdinand. The following conversation ensues:

SW: "Gees mate, I know how you must have felt being banned. I was so glad to be back playing, I bet you are too."

RF: "Too right. I'm just glad it's all behind me. I'm now going to make sure I stay completely out of trouble from now on."

SW: "Good thinking mate. Say, can I borrow your mobile phone for a moment...?"

Ferdinand forgets to ask for it back and is arrested over lewd text message allegations two days later.

Nasser Hussain is abducted by aliens, but they return him as they were looking for a fit specimen.

England win the Natwest challenge against India when the visitors are distracted by a large number of fancy dress Bin-Laden lookalikes. the ICC trophy is a different matter, as England are knocked out by Australia. The Aussies lose to Sri Lanka in the final after Murali unveils his latest delivery, bowled with an Eric Bristow action, but Glenn McGrath nicks the trophy, melts it down and sells it.

October

Shane Warne is kidnapped by aliens, who start their study of Earth technology by beaming the text messages on his mobile back to their own planet for analysis. When the messages are decoded into their true meaning they cause such offence that a galactic war breaks out which lasts for a thousand years and decimates the Andromeda Galaxy.

Zimbabwe tour Pakistan, and manage to draw the series after Inzamam runs out half his team mates in the second Test. Osama Bin Laden is spotted in the crowd, but the visitors are unworried. "We've encountered more evil people in positions of power than him," says Stuart Carlisle. "I'll never forget that sledging I got from Warnie."

Bangladesh lose at home to New Zealand, who have signed a new sponsorship deal with NZ wool ltd.

Australia arrive in India and Shane Warne is promptly slaughtered by Tendulkar again. India win the series 2-1 and Buchanan states that "Sun Tzu never conquered India either." Warne says Tendulkar is like a player from another planet. "And I should know." he adds.

"Claiming to have been kidnapped by aliens is a pretty incredible excuse for his poor performance," says Ganguly. "He should face facts: He's just a fat b&%£!&%d unless he takes slimming drugs!"

The Aussie players visit the orphanage where Steve Waugh is spending more of his time. The collection box rapidly fills up, then mysteriously vanishes. Glenn McGrath has nothing to do with it, of course.

November

South Africa follow Australia to India on their first tour there since Cronje met Gupte. Gupte tries to get to Smith but Smith sees him coming and sends Boucher to deal with him. Gupte gives Boucher 10,000 US dollars, but he accidentally drops the lot down the drain. Gupte takes the hump and leaves to join Al-Queda. The series ends up a clean-fought 1-1 draw.

England finally arrive in Zimbabwe and win the Harare Test. The Bulawayo Test is drawn after rain, but Thorpe scores a hundred and celebrates by trying to get off which the entire female contingent of the Barmy Army.

Once bitten, twice shy James Anderson goes on safari on a day off and sensibly removes all streaks from his hair. After seeing many elephants and big cats, He comes across a pathetic looking creature, an ageing relic of a once fine specimen that had progressively grown weaker and weaker, and was now a feeble shadow of it's once formidable-looking self.

"What are you doing here?" Asks Anderson.

"Visiting my family." Replies Graeme Hick.

Sri Lanka visit Bangladesh and win both Tests. Murali takes another 25 wickets, this time with a delivery bowled between his legs. Kumar Sangakkara is asked to explain after a howler monkey from the Bangladeshi mangrove swamps is found in his hotel room. "It was trying to get tips to improve it's howling and had heard me appealing." He replies.

December

The West Indies arrive in Australia by boat after the board says it can no longer afford a plane. They travel economy class from Perth to Sydney on the India-Pacific train. Brian Lara makes a hundred in a losing cause in the first Test, with his concentration undiminished after Shane Warne nicks his mobile. Further defeat follows in Adelaide, and the WICB announce a new initiative to invest in the future of West Indian crciket: a special lottery with nonexistent prizes to be held in England only.

England themselves move on to South Africa. The Wavey Navy decide to reconstitute themselves and sail there, but their boat drifts off course and is so small it sinks after hitting an ice cube.

The first Test at Johannesburg is drawn and Prince Harry gets mugged. Thankfully he has had so many Stellas he doesn't even notice.

The second Test in Port Elizabeth goes South Africa's way after Paul Adams takes 10 wickets. Thorpe bags a pair but consoles himself by trying to pull the entire female population of the BA.

Boxing Day sees the start of the New Zealand v Sri Lanka series at Wellington, where an Earthquake stops play for the second time in the history of the ground. A large hole opens up and swallows Muralitharan. The match is abandoned and Sri Lanka takes the tragedy so badly that ice cream men everywhere go round playing the funeral march.

The traditional MCG Test sees Matthew Hayden break the record for the fastest ever Test century. He then gets out next ball. He explains that he couldn't wait to get off the field as he had forgotten to apply his preparation H. The West Indies are beaten again and announce a major grass-roots investment programme to be funded by sending blackmail letters to England fans.

At Durban, England level the series by 1 wicket when Boucher misses an easy catch. The ball goes for four to win the match. After the match Boucher announces his new sponsorship deal with Lurpak.

Nasser Hussain marks the end of the year by donating his body to medical science.