Sri Lankan Veterans XI v Barmy Army C.C.
Gymkhana Club, Colombo
17th December 2003

First part of report by Danny Byrne
(finished off by W.C. Grace)

No need for this business of tossing a coin. Heads you bat, tails we field. Boz probably led his boys out hoping for a few early wickets. Amazingly the ball swung from one side of the wicket to the other and the Sri Lankan batsmen were at a loss as to what to expect next. Morals in particular had trouble in controlling the not so new ball. The off cutter moved so far down the leg side that the hapless wicket keeper had no chance. There were 15 extras off the first 5 overs which included only one leg-bye and no no-balls.

However, once the outfielders had produced some shine on the ball things became easier. The batsmen were finally able to reach the ball and proceded to cart it to various roads surrounding the ground. Andrew Miller was particularly impressive, managing to pitch the ball on the wicket often enough to get hit for 57 in 5 overs.

Tim McMillan impressed with his 5 overs for 33 while Ian Howarth had the best overall figures - 5 overs, one for 22. Cheap Steve took all the accolades with 3 dot balls in succession, a marvelous effort. The score of 304 for one after 30 overs was going to be a hard one to beat.

Peter Bradbury, opening the batting the day after getting married on the beach at Mount Lavinia, ensured that the bedsheet was hanging in the correct place, before standing in position to watch the ball fly past the wicket keeper for another five wides. The not so new ball obviously swinging uncontrollably again.

Hi folks, W.C. Grace here. Danny has had to go to the barbers for a decent haircut so I'm taking over this match report. Hope that's O.K. with you.

The Barmy Army's innings started solidly with Bradbury and Carl Thompson putting on 62 until the latter fell after half an hour, bowled by Pereira for 17.

Ian Lewis came out to bat at number three. Ian looks like a member of the band Jethro Tull, but there was no standing on one leg playing the flute on this particular stage, oh no. Despite some decent Sri Lankan bowling, Ian showed that his technique was as thick as a brick with Bradbury and himself putting on 79 runs for the second wicket. Lewis scored 29 of these runs off just 26 balls before a mix up saw him get run out. Ian looked disappointed as he trudged back to the pavilion, but there was no use living in the past and he was soon enjoying a cold beer at the bar.

This brought Richard Beeching to the crease. The umpires had initially timed him out and called for the next batter but then they heard a tiny voice: "Middle and leg, please umpire." The World's Smallest Man had been there all the time trying to attract the umpire's attention. Smallest didn't last too long as running up and down what to him is an extremely long pitch soon tired him out. He did mange to hit one as far as mid on, but unfortunately the catch was taken and Smallest had to go. The score was 148 for three.

Andy Clark came to the crease and, realizing that there were less than ten overs to go and over 150 runs required, decided that the scoring rate needed increasing somewhat. Peter Bradbury retired a few balls later on reaching his half century, as agreed by the captains earlier, and wicket keeper Dougie Harte came out to bat sincerely hoping that he would score more runs than the unfortunate number of byes that had gone straight through him (like he was a ghost) earlier. He looked solid enough though and put on a brisk 40 with Clark before the fanzine editor mistimed one and was caught at mid-off for an unlucky 13.

Captain Boz came into bat and another 21 were put on in the space of five minutes. The boys were really motoring by now, but Harte lost his head and was stumped having made 23.

Boz was on his way back to the pavilion without another run being added, but when Andrew Miller came to the middle, himself and Morals decided to go schizo. Both are naturally laid back chaps, but put bats in their hands and they become animals. They added 37 in just eight minutes and then as quickly as they had become animals they became likeable human beings once again and decided to retire to give the other lads a bat for the last two overs. A strange phenomenon, metamorphosis.

Steve fell cheaply - LBW.

This Left Tim McMillan and Dan Hough to have a swing in the last over and both scored 4 not out, a creditable performance at the death.

The Barmy Army ended up with 264 for seven, which was a good effort against a side full of ex-internationals.

The presentation ceremony got underway on the steps in front of the beautiful old colonial pavilion. Man of the Match was deemed to be Peter Bradbury who had given us a good platform to build on at the top of the innings. Next came the Barmy Army Cricket Club awards where manager Leafy made the players stand individually on a chair and drink their beer down in one. The beers were downed in one as penalties for such things as "getting run out" (Ian Lewis), "only lasting two balls" (Cheap Steve) and "trying to catch the ball like a girl" (Andy Clark).

Next came the important bits, the raffle and the auction.

The popular and profitable raffle contained prizes such as various T-shirts donated by the Barmy Army, Corridor of Uncertainty and Cricket Club Café. There were some hats too and lots of other items which I have completely forgotten.

The auction which followed was a resounding success. The England team had signed a bat as well as a Test match shirt and Michael Vaughan had kindly donated his signed training top. There were also Sri Lankan Airlines tickets to bid for as well as some other nice things.

All in all, two thousand nine hundred of your English pounds were raised for the HOPE charity, who are building a dedicated cancer care hospital in Colombo. This was a fantastic effort from all who organized the game, especially the hard working and talented Katy Cooke.

Thanks must also go to all the spectators who turned up in numbers, supported the team and more importantly, stuck their hands in their pockets.

The day was truly memorable.

W.C. Grace

W.C. Grace spends his life constantly getting muddled up with W.G. Grace. "But I don't have a big beard," is his usual reply, "And I'm not dead." From time to time he also helps out with the official unofficial England cricket fanzine, the Corridor of Uncertainty.