An Interview with Lord Ted, circa June 1993 (NOT!)

Interview with TED DEXTER, Chairman of the English Selectors, by
CRICKET NATION magazine, 21 June 1993, p 17-18.

CRICKET NATION:  Good evening, Ted.  TED DEXTER:  Good evening.

CN:  How are you feeling after today's disastrous result in the
Second Test against Australia?  TD:  Spiffing.

CN:  You mean you're not disappointed with the outcome?  TD:
Not at all!  I mean technically we lost, but I think the lads
showed in the second innings just what character and heart the
British Lion has.  That's what counts.

CN:  Isn't it a bit embarrassing to be beaten by an innings by a
side without their main strike bowler?  To have an Australian
opening stand higher than the English first innings?  To have
three English bowlers score centuries?  TD:  Some might see it
that way, but I look to the positives that came out of the
game.

CN:  Like the more value the English players placed on their
wickets in the second innings?  TD:  No, the way the boys always
look immaculate as they walk off the field after being
dismissed.  Not a bead of sweat on them.

CN:  So the fact that England are now 2-0 down in the series is
of no consequence?  TD:  You people always get hung up on
statistics.  If you must, I expect England to win the next four
tests and regain the Ashes 4-2.

CN:  Does that mean you're satisfied with the way every member
of the team is playing?  TD:  Well, not quite.  I hope to see a
bit more spine by the players when they're out.  I mean, things
like Smith walking without waiting for the Umpire's decision in
the second innings is just not on.  What I want to see is more
determination, like Foster refusing to go when he was out today,
until the Umpire told him to get off.

CN:  What about the actual performance of the players in terms
of runs and wickets?  TD:  You're persistent, aren't you.  I
think we have the core of a good side, a little inexperienced
perhaps, and that's showing up in a few places, like Smith
averaging 7 in the series so far, or Lewis averaging 70 with the
ball, and there may be a case for bringing more experience into
the side.

CN:  Like David Gower?  TD:  Who?

CN:  David Gower, England's highest ever run scorer in Test
Cricket?  TD:  I don't think I've seen him play.  Is he in the
Essex side?

CN:  John Emburey?  TD:  Now there's a man with guts and
determination.  Good old Empire boy, too.

CN:  What about Ian Botham?  TD:  I like a man who has got all
but 3 of his test wickets with rubbish balls.  That shows a bit
of the old hally-ho!

CN:  Don't you think England should be looking to the future,
and considering players such as Ilott, Cork, Lathwell, McCague
and Salisbury?  TD:  Oh dear boy, don't be absurd.  How well
would England go with a team full of green players, wet behind
the ears, who haven't learnt to appreciate what it takes to get
into a Test side?  They have to earn a test spot, you can't let
them think they have what it takes by letting them walk into a
test side after a handful of years in County Cricket.  Ruins
them.  I think Caddick was a mistake.  He needs a few more
years.

CN:  Well, Australia has Shane Warne and Michael Slater, who
played 5 and 11 first class matches respectively before they
came into their test side.  And look at what they've done!  TD:
Exactly!  What have they done!!  We have a ream of bowlers in
England who have taken more Test wickets than this Warne chap,
or scored more Test runs than this Slater fellow.  We pick on
credentials old boy.  Don't be so impertinent.

CN:  So unless someone has taken a Test wicket or scored some
Test runs, they won't be picked for the next Test side?  TD:
Yes, although it's not the only requirement.

CN:  What are the others?  TD:  Good breeding and manners.
These young people today have no respect for the great
traditions of this game.  Look at this Warne convict.  Earring
in the ear.  He should be barred by the ICC.

CN:  What if I suggest that some of the more established England
players are not quite up to scratch at the moment, like
Gatting?  TD:  I'll give you a clip around the ears, that's
what.  Gatting's the bulldog of the English Lion.

CN:  Pardon?  TD:  Never mind, you youngsters don't understand.
Gatting is like a gazelle on the field and pugnacious at the
wicket, and if we didn't have him in the side, how often would
we hear the delightful sound of the castle being knocked over?

CN:  What about Gooch's captaincy?  TD:  Inspirational.

CN:  You classify clapping a few times each session, and doing
synchronised stretching exercises with Mike Atherton as
inspirational?  TD:  No no no.  His love of Queen and Country is
unquestioned.  He's the most English person I've ever met.  He
brings a lump to the throat of every English player in the side
as he looks to the Union Flag and holds back the tear in the
corner of his eye.  Inspirational.

CN:  You don't seem very concerned about the actual performance
of any of these players on the field!  Runs, wickets, and wins!
TD:  Look, I know you Wapping journalists are closet
republicans, but do I really need to educate you on what cricket
is really all about?  It's about being British, conducting
yourself in a civilised manner, and not descending into this
boorish and unbecoming competitive behaviour exhibited by some
of the visiting colonies.  Graham Gooch understands these things
as I do, and as I say, being born British wins you first prize
in the lottery of life.

CN:  Ted Dexter, words fail me.  TD:  Thank you.

:-) and apologies to anyone who may have been offended!  (Ed
note: if u r offended by this, get a life! :-)