Once again we are witnessing what is (give or take the odd arguable selection) a collection of the best cricketers in England grossly under-performing, accompanied by the familiar chorus from those in charge that things are not as bad as they seem. Blood is gushing from a major artery, and this lot would have us believe that they have merely cut themselves shaving.
The other day, coach David Lloyd and captain Michael Atherton expressed the opinion that holding Zimbabwe to a two-wicket margin after scoring only 152 in Sunday's one-day international was a praiseworthy effort.
It is akin to a drunken motorist pleading for clemency on the grounds that he had almost made it home from the pub before ploughing into a lamppost.
It is a measure of what standard England now judge themselves by that some kind of credit can be plucked from losing to a country who, if required to select a team made up of full-time professionals, would be forced to take the field with 10 men. Two winters ago, after England had been beaten by Zimbabwe in a 50over game in Sydney, the then coach, Keith Fletcher, said: ``We have really got to start looking at ourselves when we can't beat the likes of Zimbabwe.'' Now we hear that Sunday's
The reality of the current situation is that while losing the one-day games here would be merely an embarrassment, to do the same in the two-match Test series, which gets under way this morning at the Bulawayo Queen's Club, would traumatise (or ought to) the nation. In terms of Test cricket, Zimbabwe are not just still growing up, they have yet to leave the pram, but here we are seriously having to contemplate the possibility of defeat.
Atherton will set a record today when he passes Peter May's 35 consecutive appearances as England captain but he will certainly not survive to carry on to break May's overall total of 41 should his team get beaten (or even just fail to win) this series. Atherton has won eight of his games in charge, but one more addition to the 14 in the losses column before England leave here for New Zealand would be enough to finish him.
The captain, however, is attempting to play down the importance of this Test match, both personally and for the team. ``You go into every Test preparing as best you can and trying your best to win,'' he said. ``But the life-or-death thing is not in the scenario. No Test is more or less important than any other. At the end of the day it is just another cricket match.''
There was also, he said, no danger of any complacency creeping in, although you could very well argue that the team most in need of guarding against complacency were Zimbabwe. ``Above all,'' said Atherton, ``they are very competitive, and we will need to be at our best to beat them. They are also playing at home, which in international terms nowadays is an advantage wherever you go.'' Apart from England, perhaps.
As for selection, last night's meeting may have set a record for brevity. Ronnie Irani has been ordered not to bowl for three days despite nothing serious resulting from the X-ray on his back (although Craig White has still been asked to fly out as insurance) and with Jack Russell not in consideration, that leaves only 12 until White joins the turf in five days' time.
The pitch looks a good one, dry, with not much grass, and the groundsman is expecting plenty of runs. ``I'm a big admirer of Atherton,'' he said, ``and I'd like to see him score a few.'' In which case - on current form - he'd better get there early. The captain, though, is a big-occasion player, and only if he fails twice here will there be any serious cause for worry over his form.
Philip Tufnell and Robert Croft look certain to play, even though the only significant spin is likely to come out of worn footholes, which makes the 12th man a straight choice between Andrew Caddick and Chris Silverwood.
Ominously for Silverwood, who has already impressed the honorary coaching adviser, Ian Botham, Atherton said that Caddick had ``bowled well'' in the four-day game against Matabeleland, which again is an indication of what currently passes for acceptable standards.
As for Zimbabwe, they scarcely need motivating against the only country who voted against their application for Test status. To be described as not good enough is one thing, but to be described as not good enough by England is insulting. One way and another, this is far from the mundane, one-sided tour many people were expecting.